Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
