I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
