Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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