you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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