So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
