sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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