Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i dont even know how to be here
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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