I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
