hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I have already put on my inside pants.
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