The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
