life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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