I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
she pinky promised me she was 18
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You took a bar mat shot.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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