No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Redeem this text for a blowjob
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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