you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
