She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
