at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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