It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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