I wanna bring you to show and tell
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
