we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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