Already got asked if we're dating
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize
