i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
The cops high fived after they tackled you
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
