i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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