I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
