i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
