He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
