I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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