i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
