There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
