Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
