Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
