I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
