By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
