i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
