It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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