Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
