Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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