Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
