My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
