Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
