I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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