my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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