You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize