Don't make out with my wife yet
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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