I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The feeling are messing with the penis
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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