Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
