I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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