how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
