one word: firstdatebathroomanal
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
