I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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