sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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