i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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