playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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