I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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