I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
