Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
