Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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