i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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