This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
